Chili for Lunch ??????

Dedicated to Chili Lovers





Begin forwarded message:
>
>
> ***Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out
>
> loud, then there's no hope for you.
>
>
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
> to
>
> the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
> better.
>
>
>
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
> is.
>
> They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes
>
> around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
>
> Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili
> taster
>
> named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
>
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
> chili
>
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
> and
>
> I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
>
> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
>
> assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili
>
> wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
>
> free beer during the tasting, so accepted." Here are the
> scorecards
>
> from the advent: (Frank is Judge#3)
>
>
>
>
>
> Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
>
> ==========================================
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could
> remove
>
> dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
>
> flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
>
>
>
>
>
> Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
>
> =========================================
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
>
> seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
> what
>
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
> who
>
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
> beer
>
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
>
>
> Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
>
> ====================================================
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
> beans.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
>
> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
> routine by
>
> now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
>
> back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
> getting
>
> pie-eyed from all of the beer...
>
>
>
>
>
> Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
>
> ================================
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
>
> fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
>
> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
> the
>
> barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
> woman
>
> is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
> eating! Is
>
> chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
>
>
> Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
>
> ======================================
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
>
> Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
>
> forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
> people
>
> behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
> I
>
> told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
>
> tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
> pitcher.
>
> I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pi* * es me off
> that
>
> the other judges asked me to stop screaming. S* * * w those
> rednecks.
>
>
>
>
>
> Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
>
> ===========================================
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
> balance of
>
> spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>
> garlic. Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
>
> gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
>
> worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to
> stand
>
> behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
>
> wipe my a* * with a snow cone.
>
>
>
>
>
> Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
>
> ===============================================
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
>
> peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> can
>
> of chili peppers at the last moment.
>
> **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
> appears to
>
> be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
> and I
>
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
>
> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
>
> chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
>
> lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
> what
>
> killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful.
> Screw
>
> it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
> suck
>
> it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>
>
>
> Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
>
> ===========================================
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
> too
>
> bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
>
> mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
>
> Judge # 3 -- farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili
> pot
>
> down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
>
> fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
>


>>>>>>>>>> Looks like she needs a BEER !!!!!!!<<<<<<<<<<<<<