12 opssums

Opossums

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The Bible in Cliff notes -- red-neck style -- for Kiddies Church school:

The following is from a lady in Oregon.  It is priceless!  The
Bible explained by kids - truth has been redefined!

         One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church.  We try
to do more than Baby-sit our church's beloved little
ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church
facility.  We aim to give them a solid background in biblical
history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper
and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This
assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses.  In
case you 're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our
junior church students help you with his complete overview of
the Bible, compiled from their essays:


In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was
nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The
Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than
that.  Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world  He split the Adam and made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because
mirrors hadn't been invented yet.  Adam and Eve disobeyed God
by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of
Eden.  Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have
cars.


Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as
he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off,
except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or
something.   One of the next important people was Noah, who was
a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham.  Noah built a
large boat and put his family and some animals on it.  He asked
some other people to join him, but they said they would have to
take a rain check.


After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more
famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named
Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.


Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Hesston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and
away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with
manicotti.  Then He gave them His top ten commandments.  These
include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's
bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not
supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks
about the President).  Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.


One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible
guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the
fence fell over on the town.   After Joshua came David. He got
to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son
named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My
teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to
me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One
of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then
barfed up on the shore.   There were also some minor league
prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.


After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the
star of the New Testament.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always
saying to me, Close the door!  Were you born in a barn?' It
would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')


During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they
named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man He healed many leopards and even preached
to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those
guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't
stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.


Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back
to life again.  He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the
end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of
Revolution.

        There!  Now you understand it.